No lover called by the name of another in a moment of tender passion is going to sit up and laugh. Both men and women are guilty of what is often seen as a moment of madness. A victim I recently came across was Rukky. She plans to get married early next year and wedding plans are in full gear. She is hurting. But what happened? Below is what she told me:
“My finance and I were making love recently after a few drinks. I couldn’t believe my ears, when he moaned, “come on Val, you know my favourite position is inside you…”
I pushed him off and he looked bewildered.
“Val is his ex-girlfriend whom I know he is still very fond of and sees from time to time on a platonic basis. So when he called her name in the throes of passion, I was devastated and I’m now seriously considering to call the wedding off.
Bunmi Sofola's RESPONSE to Rukky:
I told her I wouldn’t dream of questioning her hurt or treating it as something unimportant. But it is a problem lovers have grappled with all over the world from time to time. When a thing like that happens, the best attitude is to stay balanced and not be in a tearing hurry to throw away a relationship which hopefully is based on true, deep understanding of one another.
Rukky’s fiance’s slip of tongue does not necessarily mean that he has slept with his ex recently. In fact, if he had, chances are that even with a few drinks under his belt, he’d be super-controlled and very careful not to let her find out.
When I stated further that calling his lover’s name did not necessarily mean her fiance wanted to sleep with her, that he could as well be thinking: ‘This is better than it ever was with Val’: Rukky looked at me as if I’d lost the plot. But it is true. In the glow of satisfaction, he remembered that this was as good as he once had and the thought slipped out without the name change.
I told Rukky, that since she was still in love with the man, she had to salvage what was left of the relationship. And that should begin with her giving him the benefit of the doubt. It would be extreme to end a relationship that is heading for marriage for such an unproven cause.
“Are you telling me I would be foolish not to feel sure before committing myself for the rest of my life?” she wanted to know. Not in the least. ‘Keep your eyes and your ears open and with any luck, the day or night will come when you’ll be able to say ‘what’s your favourite position now?’ And you’ll both be able to laugh about it,” I told her. The more we talked about the incident, the more I realised she wanted things the way they once were.
One thing Rukky has going for her is the fact that her fiance showed remorse. The same couldn’t be said for Alfred’s fiancee. Barely two months to the wedding he’d painstakingly planned with Janet, he found himself parked out at a vantage position in front of the bedsit he’d rented for her.
“I’d heard talks of her carrying-on with really influential men in the society, he said. “When she bought a brand new car and told me her dad gave it to her, her dad assured me it was true. But rumour had it that it was this particular money bag that bought her the car. Then a close friend of hers tipped me the man would be coming for her at the usual Friday night time of 8pm. If I were to trust her implicitly I needed to have proof she would be faithful. So I held siege near the house.
“When it was well past the time Romeo was to show up and he hadn’t, I got ready to leave when a flashy car pulled up in front of the house. The man got out and confidently put his thumb on the door-bell. I got out of the car and moved towards where both of them were in a welcoming clinch.
When Janet saw me, she wriggled out of the man’s embrace and quickly introduced him, ‘I know who you are,’ I sneered, ‘you’d been sleeping with my fiance…’ as I moved closer to the pair menacingly, he just walked into his car and his driver drove off. ‘He isn’t even man enough to defend you,’ I shouted at her.
“Instead of feeling contrite, Janet was livid. She said the man was her dad’s close associate and a family friend. As a matter of fact, he was playing an important role at the wedding and her family was relying on him for cash. The more I argued, the more indignant she was. If I couldn’t trust her, she threatened, maybe we should call off the wedding. I loved her but I was damned if she could get off that lightly.
I left and didn’t get in touch with her for a week. She had as much to lose as I did if the wedding didn’t take place. In the end, she sent round a few of her friends to ‘talk some sense’ into me. When they realized I wasn’t a walk-over, they started pleading and assuring me Janet had nothing to hide. If that was the case, she should come and tell me this herself.
“To cut a long story short, she did apologise, the wedding took place and we now have two children. I’ve learnt not to ask too many questions in my marriage and Janet leaves me alone to do whatever I want. It’s not my idea of wedded bliss but in marriage, if you can’t have what you like, you learn to like what you have…”
“My finance and I were making love recently after a few drinks. I couldn’t believe my ears, when he moaned, “come on Val, you know my favourite position is inside you…”
I pushed him off and he looked bewildered.
“Val is his ex-girlfriend whom I know he is still very fond of and sees from time to time on a platonic basis. So when he called her name in the throes of passion, I was devastated and I’m now seriously considering to call the wedding off.
Bunmi Sofola's RESPONSE to Rukky:
I told her I wouldn’t dream of questioning her hurt or treating it as something unimportant. But it is a problem lovers have grappled with all over the world from time to time. When a thing like that happens, the best attitude is to stay balanced and not be in a tearing hurry to throw away a relationship which hopefully is based on true, deep understanding of one another.
Rukky’s fiance’s slip of tongue does not necessarily mean that he has slept with his ex recently. In fact, if he had, chances are that even with a few drinks under his belt, he’d be super-controlled and very careful not to let her find out.
When I stated further that calling his lover’s name did not necessarily mean her fiance wanted to sleep with her, that he could as well be thinking: ‘This is better than it ever was with Val’: Rukky looked at me as if I’d lost the plot. But it is true. In the glow of satisfaction, he remembered that this was as good as he once had and the thought slipped out without the name change.
I told Rukky, that since she was still in love with the man, she had to salvage what was left of the relationship. And that should begin with her giving him the benefit of the doubt. It would be extreme to end a relationship that is heading for marriage for such an unproven cause.
“Are you telling me I would be foolish not to feel sure before committing myself for the rest of my life?” she wanted to know. Not in the least. ‘Keep your eyes and your ears open and with any luck, the day or night will come when you’ll be able to say ‘what’s your favourite position now?’ And you’ll both be able to laugh about it,” I told her. The more we talked about the incident, the more I realised she wanted things the way they once were.
One thing Rukky has going for her is the fact that her fiance showed remorse. The same couldn’t be said for Alfred’s fiancee. Barely two months to the wedding he’d painstakingly planned with Janet, he found himself parked out at a vantage position in front of the bedsit he’d rented for her.
“I’d heard talks of her carrying-on with really influential men in the society, he said. “When she bought a brand new car and told me her dad gave it to her, her dad assured me it was true. But rumour had it that it was this particular money bag that bought her the car. Then a close friend of hers tipped me the man would be coming for her at the usual Friday night time of 8pm. If I were to trust her implicitly I needed to have proof she would be faithful. So I held siege near the house.
“When it was well past the time Romeo was to show up and he hadn’t, I got ready to leave when a flashy car pulled up in front of the house. The man got out and confidently put his thumb on the door-bell. I got out of the car and moved towards where both of them were in a welcoming clinch.
When Janet saw me, she wriggled out of the man’s embrace and quickly introduced him, ‘I know who you are,’ I sneered, ‘you’d been sleeping with my fiance…’ as I moved closer to the pair menacingly, he just walked into his car and his driver drove off. ‘He isn’t even man enough to defend you,’ I shouted at her.
“Instead of feeling contrite, Janet was livid. She said the man was her dad’s close associate and a family friend. As a matter of fact, he was playing an important role at the wedding and her family was relying on him for cash. The more I argued, the more indignant she was. If I couldn’t trust her, she threatened, maybe we should call off the wedding. I loved her but I was damned if she could get off that lightly.
I left and didn’t get in touch with her for a week. She had as much to lose as I did if the wedding didn’t take place. In the end, she sent round a few of her friends to ‘talk some sense’ into me. When they realized I wasn’t a walk-over, they started pleading and assuring me Janet had nothing to hide. If that was the case, she should come and tell me this herself.
“To cut a long story short, she did apologise, the wedding took place and we now have two children. I’ve learnt not to ask too many questions in my marriage and Janet leaves me alone to do whatever I want. It’s not my idea of wedded bliss but in marriage, if you can’t have what you like, you learn to like what you have…”
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